So you’ve tried setting boundaries, and they aren’t working. Before giving up, you may want to consider some mistakes you may have made when setting boundaries.
Common perceptions of boundaries can be ambiguous. It’s important to note that boundaries are not:
- A way to control people
- Only for people you aren’t close with
- Aggressive, selfish, or rude
- About saying no all the time
With clarity on setting healthier boundaries, you can nurture stronger relationships in the future. Here are some common mistakes when setting boundaries and how you can learn from them.
Not understanding how boundaries work and who they are for
Setting a boundary can be a way to preserve one’s peace. Especially for black women.
A prime example was when singer Summer Walker cancelled some of her tour dates because of her social anxiety. Although she received a lot of backlash for doing what was best for her, she ultimately set a healthy boundary by controlling what she could and couldn’t do.
Instead of focusing on controlling other people, a boundary helps us to recognize our limitations and needs and allows us to exhibit autonomy.
Practice a healthy boundary: If you are stressed out over your boss sending you emails at 11 pm, try setting a limit for yourself and not your boss. For example, you can limit yourself to not checking your email after 6 pm.
Giving up too easily
The challenge isn’t always setting the boundary but sticking to it.
One of the simplest mistakes in setting a boundary is simply giving up to quickly. Upholding boundaries can feel uncomfortable and scary, but that doesn’t mean we should give up on them.
Dr. Kimberley Dockery, LMFT, says, “Boundaries are supposed to make others uncomfortable. But by setting boundaries, you model how others should treat you.”
Banner Health suggests that instead of giving in or giving up, seek support and guidance from a third and neutral party. When you have support, you don’t feel alone in your battle.
Practice healthy boundaries: Instead of giving up, schedule a therapy session soon after you set the limit and share how you feel.
Overexplaining your boundary
Over-explaining your boundaries can make you feel less guilty or embarrassed when setting limitations. Yet, oversharing can make you seem unsure and unconfident, and people won’t take you seriously.
To avoid overexplaining, you want to set clear and precise boundaries without explanation.
Science of the People suggests setting clear boundaries by:
- Visualizing and writing them down
- Communicate your boundaries, and don’t assume people already know them
- Kindly reiterate your boundaries when needed
Nadeje Montes, Confidence Strategist, says, “Partnership in a positive work environment is built when those involved understand the true context of boundaries. Boundaries are compassion and care for oneself. ”
Example of a healthy boundary: “I don’t have the energy to help you with [their request] right now, but maybe [this resource] can help.”
Making unreasonable boundaries
Another common mistake when setting boundaries is being too strict or rigid. Rigid boundaries are closed, inflexible, and disconnected. Establishing more stringent types of limitations is common when in an emotionally vulnerable place.
Strict boundaries can look like cutting people out too fast, having rigid rules to follow, and being unable to maintain positive relationships.
Set a limit when you have a level and clear head to avoid making boundaries difficult for anyone to follow. In addition, try listening to the other party involved in your boundary.
Try a healthy boundary by taking a moment to reflect on it. Remember, a boundary should help you get closer to the desired outcome.
“I set boundaries to keep my peace and know my limits, says Datoya Bradley, M.S., A.P.C.C., “It’s ok to say no or to give a reasonable time and date on when you can fulfil someone’s request.”
Trying to be overly aggressive to set boundaries
Setting firm boundaries doesn’t mean being aggressive. The key is to be assertive by asking open-ended questions. Question what’s happening and why something is happening. To avoid confusion, ask for clarity, and don’t make assumptions.
It also helps to use a firm tone of voice and not yell when setting boundaries. Remember, it’s ok to show vulnerability. Admit when you’re confused or when your feelings are hurt.
Set a healthy boundary: I was uncomfortable when you yelled during our argument, so if you raise your voice, I will wait until you are calm to continue the conversation.
Thinking you don’t need boundaries
The workplace is a common area to have boundaries. However, beyond your working relationships, it’s equally important to set boundaries for other, more intimate relationships in your life.
Setting boundaries can help strengthen relationships. By not setting them, you become at the mercy of other people. Without limitations, people are likelier to take advantage of and manipulate you, even if unintentional.
Try setting a healthy boundary: Take a moment to re-evaluate the different relationships in your life. Which ones are you unhappy with or frustrated with? Setting boundaries could make things easier.
Not fully understanding the consequences and then adjusting your boundaries
Setting boundaries doesn’t always make you feel good. However, they aren’t there to help us feel good at the moment but to help us reach long-term success and happiness.
Thus if the waters are rocky in the beginning stages, it’s ok. Discomfort doesn’t always mean you have to change your boundaries.
Set a healthy boundary and remind yourself why you set it in the first place. Take a moment to feel your discomfort and continuously remind yourself of what you want for the future
By setting healthier boundaries, you can have better relationships and overall greater happiness.
