Love on the Rocks

10 Things You Should Never Say (or Do) When You’re Drunk And You’re Dealing With Love

1. “I love older guys!” Don’t tell an older guy that you love mature men. You know sure as hell that you won’t be picking up his calls come Monday. And the next time he sees you he’ll be super pissed that you decided to play high school games with a grown ass man.

2. “This club is big enough for the both of us.” It sure is. But don’t tell the guy you’re talking to that. Because when you watch him dry-hump the hooker by the door your cheeks will be mascara-stained from the uncontrollable waterfall of tears falling from your eyes.

3. “I’m grown. I can get home by myself.” No the hell you can’t. Unless he’s a greasy dirt bag and you have a big, burly friend on speed dial, let the guy walk you home. You don’t have to invite him in.

4. French-kissing. When you’re totally sloshed it’s the most unsightly thing on the planet. Plus, you’ll totally regret it when your friends have photos of the horrible make-out session in a multitude of sizes for year-long blackmail. Keep it classy. A smooch will do.

5. “Oh, no she didn’t!” Oh, yes, your ex’s new girlfriend just stepped on your red bottoms. And she might as well be ten times bigger than you or know some people who keep box-knives on them for protection. Don’t get rowdy or start fights in the club. You never know what zip code the other chick comes from. Or more importantly, who’s in her posse.

6. Taking drinks not handed to you by the bartender. If you didn’t watch that drink get made or make it yourself put that ish down. Getting roofied is no joke.

7. “I don’t like to sweat.” What did Kanye West say in that one song? “Bougie girl, grab her hand, fuck that bitch she don’t wanna dance.” Do you really want to be single for the rest of your life?

8. “Why can’t we be together???????” If you want to look like a whiny brat who lost her way to the Maury Povich show then go ahead, try to get answers out of a guy at the club. Be smart. Don’t ever try to have a heart-to-heart after you’ve been drinking. You’ll say something stupid that you’ll regret.

9. “You want that cake-cake-cake-cake-cake…” No removing of personal clothing in the club. You are not a stripper. This is not strip poker. And every woman knows that good cake is always preserved for the best day: your birthday.

10. “I wanna make loooooove in this club.” We know he’s fine, but dry-humping squirrels are never cute. Save it for the bedroom.

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