Remember that episode from Being Mary Jane when Mary Jane (played by Gabrielle Union) stepped on her boyfriend’s wedding ring? Or how the show Scandal is driven by Olivia Pope’s relationship with a married man — who happens to be the President of the United States? I used to be one of those girls who didn’t understand how women could so willingly end up in situations like this — until I became “the other woman” myself.
Before you start judging me and calling me a h**, hear me out. I, like Mary Jane, had no intention of being a side-chick. I had just gotten out of a three-year relationship that left me feeling completely unwanted. Then, one day, I met this handsome guy at a party who made me feel incredible. We hung out a couple times and we started “talking”. (Side note: For those of you who don’t know what “talking” is, it’s basically the modern day version of dating but not really dating. It’s a weird concept and everybody has a different interpretation of what talking is. For me, talking includes being sexually involved and getting to know each other.)
Malik* and I were talking for about two months when one day I stumbled across a girl’s Instagram page. I thought Michelle* was so pretty that I continued scrolling through her page and BAM — what did I see? A bunch of photos of Malik and Michelle together with captions like “He’s my heart,” “Couldn’t imagine life without you,” and a tons of other stuff.
I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. Did Malik have a girlfriend the whole entire time? I confronted him and sadly enough, I believed his shitty answer. Long story short, Malik and I continued to talk for another six months while he continued to date his on-and-off again girlfriend. I felt terrible at first, but found ways to push off the guilt through my own level of rationalization.
I had no intentions of being in another relationship, so when I met Malik I wanted to just have fun. I knew that a relationship was never going to evolve, so when I figured out he was “in a relationship” it didn’t affect what my intentions were with him. I just wanted to f*** (sorry for being so vulgar).
Looking back, I wish I would’ve done things differently but I honestly don’t regret my decision. I gained an amazing friend in Malik, and him and Michelle are still happily together.
I feel like women accept being the side-chick because there are no responsibilities involved. I admit the reason I accepted it is because I didn’t have to be tied down. I was getting great conversation, great food, and even better sex without having to put any effort in. Malik was consistent. I also believe that women accept the side chick position because it makes us feel wanted. I can admit that subconsciously it felt good to have someone appreciate all the things that my ex dumped me for.
As I was writing this article, I wanted to get a male’s perspective on the side chick epidemic so I asked Malik. He told me the reason he kept me around for so long is because he actually fell in love with me. Shocking, I know. He said, “The difference between a side chick and a one-night stand is that feelings are caught.”
Another friend of mine said that side chicks are pivotal to keeping relationships alive. He said, “Side chicks usually fill in the missing pieces of the main chick. You can have a girl strictly for wild sex and another girl who’s easy to talk to. [I] one time had this girl help me relive so much stress that my [main] girl noticed how happier I was.”
Malik also said, “All men have side pieces.” I’m not saying Malik is the only guy in the world, but 4 out of the 5 guys I asked said that they’ve had side chicks before and would continue to have them. Which is why many women say “men ain’t s***” “all men are dogs” and “men can’t be trusted.” Which leads to some more problems that are terribly affecting relationships in the 21st century. It’s like divorces are normal and it is rare to see couples married for longer than five years.
[Tweet “‘But why haven’t us women flipped the script and gotten side-dudes?'”]The answer to that is simple…we’d be labeled as h**s (sigh).
Given everything that I’ve learned from my personal experience and others, I still believe that the side chick era must be stopped. As a former side chick, it’s not as glamorous as the media portrays. Yes, it is fun for awhile but we deserve better. We shouldn’t accept the role as a side chick because that means we are settling for second best. We are giving men too much power by allowing them to treat us like this. We are BAUCE women who can do so much better than these lying, cheating, scandalous men. Let’s one up them in their game by treating ourselves with respect and not accepting side chick treatment. As they say, “p***y is power.” Ladies, you have all the power — please use it.
Names with * have been changed for privacy reasons.
Mychelle
August 11, 2016 at 6:33 am
But the GAG is women DO have side pieces. I
Lovely
August 11, 2016 at 10:59 am
I am strongly against men having side pieces because let’s be real—if a woman had a boyfriend, would he be fine with her having a male side piece? The answer would most likely be no. Especially considering the fact that men can be territorial. Now, I’m not preaching to anyone but I urge people to try and make wise romantic decisions based off of the lifestyle they would like to live. Ladies, there are plenty of men out there. No need to grab one who has a girl already #foodforthought
Pearlie
August 12, 2016 at 11:12 am
As a recovers side chick how did you get out? It’s one thing to know you deserve better and this isn’t what your parents were praying for when they asked God to bless your life but how does 1 get out of this situation??? I keep planning to leave *married with 2 kids* but everytime we are each other my heart dances to it’s own best, butterflies fill my tummy and my face lights up like the sun, no doubt I love him but I know I need to leave, I just don’t know how to.
Eileen Salazar
August 14, 2016 at 10:37 pm
I understand where you’re coming from but honestly, do you think he’s ever going to leave his wife? And even if he does do you think you would be able to trust him? I was able to get out because I knew that I could never trust Malik in a real relationship. I saw how easy it was for him to cheat and I knew I couldn’t spend the rest of my life with him. I also knew I wasn’t the only side piece which gave me more reason to leave.
Leaving definitely isn’t an easy thing, but once you do it is an amazing feeling. I can’t tell you how to leave your situation because everyone is different. Just know that you are a strong woman who deserves the world. You can’t get the world by being with a married man. You are cheating yourself from true happiness.
sharinalr
February 10, 2018 at 5:21 pm
I greatly agree with why some women accept being the side chick. Wanting to be wanted was the number one reason I found myself in that position. I have heard a lot of younger men say “All men have side pieces.” This is not only false, but it is an excuse for why they have them and continue to. It simply hides the internal issues that he is dealing with that makes him feel he needs a side chick. It could be insecurities that he feels will be hidden if he has a bunch of women. Now I am sure you may say “he is secure” but people seems to believe looks are a sign of security forgetting that some things are just masks. I don’t know how truthful those 4 out of 5 guys are but most men won’t say anything about it for fear of getting caught. Keep in mind that side chicks are a bragging right when a man lacks real confidence in himself and wants to look good for the guys or even some girls.
I have also heard men say ” “Side chicks usually fill in the missing pieces of the main chick. You can have a girl strictly for wild sex and another girl who’s easy to talk to. [I] one time had this girl help me relive so much stress that my [main] girl noticed how happier I was.” Truth is if he needs that many women to fulfill an issue then he needs to be single. This too me is another excuse to sleep around when he really could address his needs with whoever his “main” is.
I have also met men who say it is a matter of opportunity. One of my best male friend noted that women are more likely to find you interesting if you are in a relationship. He noted that when he was not in a relationship female co-workers weren’t interested, but as soon as he started dating they were all over him. He treated them no different, but they thought it was all gold.
I was a side chick in high school and the guy would brag about me to show that he could pull other girls. That is why I liken cheaters with big mouths to boys because it was all about bragging rights. However, we also have to ponder how our neediness as women leads us to being easily susceptible to accepting roles that are less than what we know we deserve.
Great post
Ps you are better than me because Malik would no longer be a friend. He disrespects his girlfriend by having you around knowing the history.