Who You Need to Dump From Your Friend Group Right Now

Everything in life has an expiration date. From the almond milk in your fridge to the length of time you should keep your weave in, there is a definite ending to the things in our lives. Some things expire gracefully and it isn’t that big of a deal that their time has concluded. Other things, like terminating a toxic friendship, carry a little more sting.

Good girlfriends are hard to find, but bad friends seem to be everywhere. Here are the top 7 types of friends you need to IMMEDIATELY remove from your group:

The Neglectful Friend

Sure, I’ll give it to her, maybe she’s busy! I mean that’s the only logical excuse for your close girlfriend to forget your birthday, right? You let it go last year, but forgetting your birthday two years in a row poses a bigger problem – she isn’t forgetful, she’s neglectful. After a while “ I forgot” begins to read as “ I don’t care enough”.  There’s no reason why someone you regularly hang out with shouldn’t know your job title, what you’re allergic to or heaven forbid when your birthday is ( I mean, it’s the same time each year!). Yes, there are levels to friendship and everyone doesn’t know all the inside scoop that would come with being a best friend, but being considerate is a requirement for even the most ground-level of friendships. If your girl can’t get it together and make this friendship run on a two-way street, it’s time you realized your relationship has hit a dead-end. Stop reaching out to The Neglectful Friend and the relationship will fade away without any conflict…because she probably “didn’t remember” seeing your missed messages which means it’s not that important for her to call you back.

The Frenemy

It’s sad that the word “frenemy” even exists. I mean, you would think that a friend was incapable of ever being your enemy, but unfortunately it happens – and it happens a lot. This friend is not good for you in any dimension. She’s the girl who smiles as she gives you a backhanded compliment. “You’re so pretty, for a big girl!” or “ That outfit was hideous on the hanger, but you pull it off really well…”. She’s the girl to gossip about you to other and you could only imagine what she’s saying when you know the things she says to your face aren’t the most flattering. The Frenemy has a secret agenda to keep people around her who she doesn’t find as a threat and her way of keeping everyone in their place is with (not so) subtle insults. Without any further explanation – you need to leave this girl in the dust. She doesn’t have your best interests at heart and you can’t trust her as far as you can see her – because once again, she’s talking about you behind your back.

The One-Upper Friend

Oh, you just got engaged? Well, so did she and her fiance bought her a 124 karat diamond ring. Excited that you got bumped into first class? Well simmer down, ‘cuz she’s flying the plane. Did you lose 10 lbs recently? Weird, she did too…and she wrote a tell-all memoir on how she was able to drop the weight while binge eating raw cookie dough. I mean, can anything happen in your life and this girl doesn’t shoot it down before riding on it to elevate herself? It’s obvious that The One-Upper Friend is just moonlighting as the jealous friend; the person who is so unsatisfied with their life that the only way for them to get satisfaction is to belittle the great things happening in yours. There’s nothing you’ve done and there’s nothing you can do to deliver this poor soul from her overdose of haterade. You don’t need anyone in your life who won’t support you or isn’t proud of you for the things you’ve accomplished; be it getting the last size 7 in the shoe bargain bin or being promoted at work. A true friend is down to see you do great things and would never try to downplay your successes. This “friend” doesn’t deserve any more of your attention. Kick her out of your life and let her hate from the sidelines – you’ll be too busy hearing the applause to even notice her criticism.

The Convenient Friend

Oh! You’re in luck! This friend just broke up with her boyfriend and she’s now blowing up your phone because she’s in dire need of a girl’s night out. Uh oh, here comes The Convenient Friend. The Convenient Friend is probably one of the worst friendship offenders. This is the girl who knows that she has a great friend in you, but she’s willing to cast you aside while she gives something else her full and complete attention. Once her primary interest backfires, this is the girl to come flying back to you and wanting to hang out, as if she didn’t shelve you for 6 months. Most times, this friend will re-emerge after a  breakup with her man, but there are other instances that could call a friend away for an extended period of time. Whatever her reason, you shouldn’t want anyone around who doesn’t want to be around. A good girlfriend can balance her friendships with the other events in her life – don’t let this chick decide her involvement in your friendship based upon her convenience.

The Perfectionist Friend

It’s pronounced “Por-sha” not “Porsche”. I mean, who really cares when neither of us make enough money to even own the damn car? Ugh…the grammar Nazi, know-it-all friend aka The Perfectionist Friend. I mean who really has the time to spend their days correcting people? Proper grammar or otherwise, as a grown woman you don’t need to be reprimanded by another grown woman (and a friend, at that) for something petty and insignificant. Hanging out with the perfectionist friend is a buzz kill, but above all it’s just annoying! You don’t need to spend ANY time with someone whose entire role in your friendship is to let you know what you’re doing wrong. You shouldn’t feel ashamed or embarrassed for not knowing the answers to her Jeopardy style trivia facts ( I’ll take I have no idea for, $100 Alex). She isn’t smarter than you, she’s just consumes her mind with more “stuff” than you care to know.. You’re an intelligent woman who can carry herself in an intelligent conversation – don’t let this friend make you feel otherwise.

The Moocher Friend

So you’ve picked up the tab a time or two, no big deal. Or maybe you let her “borrow” that one dress of yours, it’s cool. Friends do favors for other friends. But when a pattern starts to begin where you have a friend who assumes someone will always just come to her rescue, you have a problem. The Moocher Friend is a leech; sucking you dry for your resources. If it’s money, she’s always having someone pay for her and she has  no intention of ever paying them back. If it’s clothing, she acts like she has no idea what you’re talking about and heaven forbid enough time passes where you miss your items and you ask for our sh*t back – this chick will find the nerve to catch an attitude! It’s always an excuse with this one. Friends don’t take advantage of other friends EVER. The Moocher will run your pockets and your patience low if you allow this behavior to continue. Nip that relationship in the bud at the first sign of her being an opportunist.

Debbie Downer Friend

The Debbie freakin’ Downer; the friend who can suck the joy out of a rainbow. Don’t get me wrong, there’s always room for a healthy dose of cynicism, but c’mon!  Has she no soul?! Making a habit of assuming the worst in every situation can’t be life. The sun can’t shine out of everyone’s ass, but you don’t have to be friends with someone consumed with such negativity and skepticism. Maintaining a friendship with Debbie Downer means one of two things: A) You’ll spend enough time with her that you begin to turn into The Grinch, too or B) You’ll spend every moment you share together trying to match her downer personality with your overly upper personality which will make for a very exhausting friendship. If you want to spend an entire friendship trying to change somebody go for it, but I wouldn’t recommend it…

photo credit: pasukaru76 and Dani_vr