The Problem with Condoms

Ladies, can we talk?

Two words.

Desmond Hatchett.

For those of y’all that are too busy to follow what may be the ultimate proof that we are as granny would say “living in our last days”, here’s a reminder. He is the 30 year-old man who has managed to father 30 children with 11 different women.

Yeah ….you read that right.

Do I need a better seg-way to discuss condom usage? I think not.

Condoms are the ultimate symbol of safe sex, but sometime our over dependence on them to “just work” could be causing us to oversee tons of other problems that could reduce he effectiveness of our little rubber friends. As women, it’s important that we stay on top of our condom game (especially for those ratchet men that come along and say they don’t know how to use one – in hindsight, you shouldn’t be sleeping with him anyway). That includes being aware of the top eight condom problems and knowing how to nix them for the next time the Trojan man is invited into the bedroom.

1. Not checking the expiration date. Do you know when your milk is going to go bad? I can tell you right now there is a carton of half and half in the fridge that’s gonna turn in 45 minutes. Now tell me…when does your condom stash expire? A recent study showed that most people are unaware that not only do condoms have an expiration date, but that expiration dates are printed individually on the wrapper. It’s so easy to stick a condom away in your wallet for that “just in case” moment. But don’t let it sit there for years. How long do you have till it’s time to re-up your stash? Make sure you know what your working with and that your packs are fresh.

2. Not visibly checking for damage. So your guy or you ripped open the package and are good to go. Slow down…did you check for rips or tears? Condoms are tough but they can be snagged on nails, jewelry…or teeth! Even worse, a loser who wants to be malicious could have poked holes in your man’s stash. Do you and your partner a favor and take a quick peek before you get to it. This is one of the most common condom problems that gets overlooked.

3. Not leaving room at the tip. Ahhh the infamous tip! 40% of condom users were not aware that for proper effectiveness, the tip of the condom must be gently squeezed to release trapped air and leave room for sperm. Not doing so increased the failure rate of condoms.

4. Putting it on too late in the game. We’ve all met that guy. “Let me just feel you first and then I’ll put it on.” Wrong! Putting on a condom after penetration can be just as dangerous as going without. Sperm CAN be released before the final fireworks. This can lead to pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases. Do not be fooled by this old trick ladies!

5. Putting it on wrong. An inside out condom is more likely to slip off and ahem…get lost. Hey, it happens. The safest thing to do is to remove the wrongly placed prophylactic and start anew. Remember when putting it on it should look like a ski cap with the bottom edges rolled up.

6. Taking the condom off too soon. Some guys do this when they feel that they lose an erection. Because ejaculation can occur without an erection (theater gasp!), this practice will expose you to STDs and KIDs! Again, another old beating around the Trojan horse trick that guys will run up on you — and that you should avoid.

7. Condom breakage. The official oh s*&t moment. The official oh, holy sh*t my mother is going to beat my ass moment. The official damn I don’t want my baby to have his big dome head moment. Although most commonly caused by user error (i.e. everything I’ve been talking about) it can also be caused by the usage of oil based lubricants (mineral oil, baby oil, that weird strawberry stuff we’ve all seen). To avoid this, stick with trusted water-based lubricants such as KY jelly or Trojan.

8. Not discussing condom usage. Ooo, the creme de la creme. You’re about to get it on for the first time and like a responsible diva you go to your stash and hand him the golden ticket to your queendom. He says something all smooth like, “Baby we don’t need that…” and starts kissing your neck.

(Insert tire screech here).

It is time for a very important conversation. You have to take control and be responsible for your body. You both need to be on the same page concerning your communal sexual health and it needs to be discussed openly, honestly, and calmly. If he can’t handle that, then he can bounce. And take his ten other baby mamas with him.

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