Money is intrinsically a part of marriage. Couples must navigate how to combine their financial lives and make financial decisions. However, talking about money continues to be an uncomfortable topic, even in intimate relationships. However, discussing money with your spouse is an essential aspect of marital satisfaction, and on the flip side, ignoring the financial side of marriage can have unintended consequences.
Arguments about finances are known to be a common cause of divorce. Some studies suggest that financial arguments last longer and are more intense than other marital conflicts. If disagreements about money are continual issues in a relationship, the relationship satisfaction of the partners is likely to suffer. Financial strain may cause financial conflict in the family in general, but it also could be caused by the financial behaviors and values of the couple. Positive financial behaviors such as budgeting, saving, and having good debt management are associated with greater relationship satisfaction. Beyond financial behaviors, continual financial arguments in a relationship could be a symptom of more significant relationship issues, such as a lack of trust, decision-making imbalances, or fundamental differences in how partners view money.
Talking about money can address some of the underlying causes of financial conflict.
As financial conflicts can signify deeper relationship issues, talking about money with a spouse can unearth these issues, potentially prevent them before they start, and increase shared resilience during financially challenging periods. Suggesting that couples talk more about money can be a panic-inducing proposition, with images of pouring over financial documents and crunching numbers entering the imagination. While having regular financial updates as a family can be an excellent financial habit to cultivate to ensure both partners are informed about the financial well-being of the family, having conversations about money does not have to only be about the numbers alone.
Family Financial Management
As a couple combines their financial life, it can be helpful to intentionally determine how the couple wants to manage their financial finances. Who will be in charge of paying the monthly bills? Will we have joint accounts, separate accounts, or some combination? To what extent do we feel comfortable with one partner unilaterally making financial decisions, and when do we need to have more extensive financial conversations before making a decision? Coming to an intention agreement on how a couple wants to manage their finances makes dealing with future financial situations easier to address. Additionally, it can provide an open line of communication as a relationship evolves, management strategies may need to change. Being intentional about determining how money is managed in the household also allows couples to address issues such as power dynamics and general differences in spending habits. Finally, having a conversation about family financial management allows both partners to have input on how the family will manage money. Doing so allows partners to express what they would prefer and why rather than defaulting to what feels familiar, what was exhibited by extended family members, or societal norms that may not fit the couple’s needs.
Financial History & Beliefs
How a person manages their financial life can be a mystery to a spouse who would handle things differently. However, a person’s behaviors, attitudes, and values around money are influenced by their childhood and personal experiences with money. When a partner takes the time to understand how money was handled in their spouse’s family during their childhood, more information is discovered on why a person views money in a specific way or has specific financial behaviors. Some examples of questions to ask a spouse are, “What did your parents teach you about money?”, “What is your earliest memory of money?” and “How was money handled in your house growing up?”. “What did you like and dislike about how your parents handled their family finances?” These conversations need to be handled with curiosity and not judgment. The point is to gain a greater understanding and connection with your partner, not to begin a lecture about whether specific financial behaviors or beliefs are good or bad.
Shared Meaning
One of the remarkable aspects of starting a family is that a couple can build their unique norms, rituals, goals, and family culture. A couple can decide which goals they want to prioritize and what they deem important as fundamental values in their home. Family finances are one aspect of a family’s culture. A couple can curate their financial goals to match their unique values and dreams for their life. Whether that dream is to retire early yet comfortably or to take a year off to travel the world. Conversations about money in this way can be joyful, forward-looking, and optimistic. Couples that take the time to dream together and make plans to support their dreams build shared meaning, which psychologist Dr. John Gottman suggests increases satisfaction in a relationship and the likelihood that a couple will stay together. Although starting conversations about money can be overwhelming or uncomfortable initially, talking to your spouse about how money can enhance a marriage is worth the investment.
