Ask Bee: ‘Should I Keep Messing Around With My Ex?’

Black couple staring at each other in bed


Dear Bee,

I am so confused about whether I should go back to my past or see what my future has for me. My ex and I have been broken up for about a couple of years and we are still in constant contact because we have a child together, so we co-parent. My ex has always made it clear that he wants me back but when we were together he was a great provider but on the flip side he was a lying, cheating mate. In the last year, I met an old (platonic) friend and have been exploring the possibility of a serious relationship with dude. Trying to be an adult about wanting to introduce my dude to my child, I informed my ex that this was going down and if he had any questions he could ask me versus our child. Since my ex has known about my dude, he is constantly telling me that he loves me and wants yet another opportunity to have his family back. While in my heart I know he has had his opportunity already, I can’t help and wonder if I should? My dude is the complete opposite and thus far we haven’t had any typical drama (lying, cheating) but I do at times wonder if he would be a great provider. What to do??

Past, Present or Future


Dear Past, Present or Future,

Let’s jump right into it – you left your ex for a reason that you considered unacceptable and disrespectful (lying, cheating). And it sounds like you have given him plenty of chances to get it right when you two were together but he didn’t hence, the breakup. Of course he wants you back. He probably doesn’t want to see you move on with another man and doesn’t want to see the new dude be a part of your child’s life. He probably also doesn’t want to see another man doing what he couldn’t – and taking care of business in a way that he wasn’t able to. But getting back to the root of your issue, your decision really has nothing to do with what your ex may want; the ball is in your court. Instead, think of it this way; you already know what your past has held and presently you have moved on. You were looking to your future, which isn’t perfect (relationships never are) but it doesn’t seem to have the same obstacles as your past. Co-parenting has worked out smoothly and your child has both parents present without the interference of an intimate relationship. The focus is on raising your child. Your present also has afforded you the opportunity to try something new that doesn’t give reminders of your past. Why turn back?

You got this,

1 Comment

1 Comment

  1. Sydney

    January 18, 2014 at 8:31 am

    So true! My ex was verbally abusive that is why I left him. However he still wants me back and promises he has changed. In 3 months? Yea right! I have to keep reminding myself that even though it can get lonely being single sometimes, my mental, physical and emotional health are much more important than being in a relationship.

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