Has your sex life turned from sizzling to fizzling? You’re not alone. Getting bored in the bedroom is painfully common among people in long-term relationships — especially in women.
You and your partner may have started with more ammo in the bedroom than Hawthorne Army Depot. But once the limerence fades, a decline in excitement seems almost inevitable.
Don’t worry, you’re not destined to suffer a lifetime of boring sex! It will take some work, but you can do a bunch of things to bring some heat back into the bedroom.
A great example? BDSM.
What is BDSM?
Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you’ve probably heard of BDSM at least once in your life. But for the sake of clarity and to ensure that you’re not harboring misconceptions about it, let’s talk about what BDSM really is.
BDSM encompasses three subcategories: (1) bondage and discipline, (2) dominance and submission, and (3) sadism and masochism.
BDSM is the umbrella under which these three kinks fall. Anyone practicing BDSM can delve into just one subcategory, combine two of them, or practice all three. It depends on you and your partner’s taste and thirst for adventure.
What BDSM isn’t
Because its depiction in pop culture isn’t always accurate, there are many misconceptions surrounding BDSM. Most people know of BDSM only through popular movies like the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy. And while this franchise did an excellent job of putting the BDSM lifestyle out into the mainstream, it’s not exactly the most comprehensive or accurate representation of the said kink.
So let’s get a few things straight. Although BDSM can involve pain and control, it is not abusive. Many people shy away from trying out BDSM for fear of hurting or abusing their partners. But the truth is, couples who practice it correctly are highly respectful of their partner’s well-being and boundaries.
Another common myth? That people who are into BDSM are sexual deviants. But in reality, BDSM can be for everyone.
If your sex life has been mostly vanilla, this doesn’t mean you’re not fit for BDSM. The kink is more common than you think. In fact, a Smithsonian survey found that 36% of Americans already perform some form of bondage in the bedroom.
How to incorporate BDSM into your sex life
Now that we’ve discussed the key fundamentals of BDSM, let’s talk about how you can incorporate it into your sex life. We made sure to make most of the tips below beginner-friendly. No need to worry about shelling out lots of cash to set up your own “red room” ala Fifty Shades of Grey! These tricks can be pulled off with basic BDSM gear.
- Try some light spanking.
Impact play is one of the easiest BDSM elements to implement for beginners. Spanking with your bare hands is a great start, but feel free to ramp it up to using paddles and whips depending on your appetite.
But before you go heavy on hitting, make sure to communicate with your partner and establish what is acceptable and what isn’t. You should also agree on a safeword beforehand.
- Use (pre-negotiated) dirty talk.
Never talked dirty to your partner before? Now’s the perfect time to explore! It doesn’t have to be aggressive language like “slut,” “wimp,” or “whore.” Even referring to the dominant one as “Sir,” “Master,” or “Madam” should be enough to get your gears turning.
- Look into orgasm control.
If you’re a dude, chances are you’re already familiar with this concept. One form of orgasm control is what’s commonly known as “edging.” But if you’re unfamiliar with the concept, it’s basically bringing yourself (or your partner) nearly to orgasm and then abruptly pausing stimulation.
Have the submissive partner turn over control over their orgasms to the dominant one. As you can probably imagine, this kind of delayed gratification usually results in more intense orgasms.
- Explore the dominant-submissive dynamic.
When one thinks of the dominance-submission setup, it’s easy to fall into the trap of automatically assuming that the woman is supposed to be the submissive one. But gender stereotypes aside, a lot of men enjoy being under the mercy of their wives and girlfriends during sex.
The point is, you and your partner are encouraged to switch things up in BDSM. If the man is usually the more assertive one in bed, explore how the dynamic would change if the woman is put in charge. If you’re feeling extra kinky, you can even try to work a strap on dildo into the bedroom.
Conclusion
BDSM may have a shady reputation. But once you look deeper into the BDSM lifestyle, you’ll quickly realize that it’s founded on mutual trust, care, and respect. It’s not something that only freaks and deviants enjoy. Every couple can reap the benefits of BDSM and use it to add some much-needed spice back into the bedroom.
