5 Unsexy Halloween Costumes

Lindsay Lohan got it sorta right in her film Mean Girls when she said, “Halloween is the one night a year when girls can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it.” Despite setting the feminist movement back about two hundred years, who can deny the fun and joy of dressing up in skimpy, crazy costumes? Especially when they’re sexy versions of your favorite characters!

However, when you dress like something ridiculous, other girls, as well as guys, are probably going to say something. Or laugh. Or both.

I personally believe there should be a boundary as to what characters should and should not be sexified. While I was on my own slutty costume hunt, I stumbled upon some laughably outrageous sexy costume ideas on which, unfortunately, I’m positive some girls will waste money. If you want to dress sexy but remain completely single, untouched, and perhaps ridiculed this Halloween, feel free to adorn yourself in these atrocities:

1. Sexy Clown

I personally am just afraid of clowns and so is probably 98% of everyone else I know. Clowns are not sexy. Clowns are terrifying. What ’90s child was not scarred by the movie IT? And even in real life clowns are super annoying. All that blowing horns in ears and smashing pies in faces is not cute. As sexy as you try to make this, I, along with many other people, will probably take one look at you and run away screaming.

2. Sexy Monsters

I don’t know where this whole furry monster costume craze came from, but you will look like a yeti. They can pull off this look over in Japan, but here in America where the girls actually try to look DTF? Uh, no. Cute, perhaps. Sexy? No.

3. Sexy Pooh Bear

Why, oh why, are you trying to sexify such a cute and beloved childhood memory? Pooh Bear is a plump, happy, honey-loving cutie pie who should never even be miles within association with the word “sexy”. Not to mention, what guy is going to want to even dance with a girl who looks like a stuffed animal he probably stills sleep with in his bed? (Actually… hmmm….)

4. Sexy Muppet

Poor Jim Henson is probably turning his grave with the creation of these costumes. Again, tying in with the whole Pooh Bear concept: cute childhood memories are supposed to be sacred, not sexy.

5. Sexy Hamburger

$40 to dress up like a meat sandwich? A sexy meat sandwich. Ooh, baby. You could get even more creative: just attach a spiral cord to your bottom and tell everyone you’re the phone from Juno.