Society teaches us to pine for romantic love from a very early age. Music lyrics preach about the transformational bliss that comes from falling in love with your soulmate. Romantic comedies and sitcoms focus on the woes and the wonder of relationships. Fairy tales only end when the young princess finally finds her prince after enduring a harrowing journey. Only then can happily ever after begin. But what about those who spent their teenage years and early twenties on things other than romantic love? Many of them have still found a happily ever after in other parts of their lives. Ahead of Valentine’s Day, BAUCE sat down with some incredible women who either found love after their twenties, or have channeled their energy into other pursuits.
Remember that Everyone Operates on Their Own Timeline
While the media may suggest that people begin dating in their teenage years, that is not necessarily the case. According to the Pew Research Center, 65% of American teenagers ages 13 to 17 have never been in a romantic relationship. Even a sizable number of people in their twenties are not in a relationship currently. According to a 2018 study by the University of Chicago, more than half of people ages 18 to 34 do not have a long-term romantic partner. These numbers may still not be reassuring when you see your peers and friends enjoying an active dating life. This was the case with Naomi. The Toronto-based vlogger spent nearly the entire decade of her twenties single. Naomi had her first boyfriend at age thirty and is now happily engaged to him. But things weren’t always so rosy for her. Describing her experience, Naomi reflects, “Most of my college friends are married with children so I felt a bit left out at times wondering why my life was not progressing like theirs. My older sister also got married at 21 and my Mom was 24, so being over 30 and never being in a relationship felt odd. No one made me feel this way. I just looked at their life and compared it to mine.” At times when you feel alone and compare yourself to people in relationships, remember that everyone moves at their own pace when it comes to love and dating. There are some noteworthy Black women who found their spouses later in life. Carla Harris, a senior leader at Morgan Stanley got married when she was 38 years old. Vice President Kamala Harris met her husband when she was 49 years old.
Wait for What you Want Rather Than Compromise
It can be tempting to settle for someone right now rather than someone who is actually right for you. But in the end, that may be the wrong decision. FOMO, or the fear of missing out, can compel people to date for the sake of dating. During these years of being single, you can take the time to consider what the most important characteristics are for a potential future partner. Do you want somebody who is educated, empathetic, religious, introverted, outgoing, athletic, and/or artistic? Which morals or worldviews will you need to share in order to properly grow together and learn from one another? What does compatibility mean to you? When you take inventory of what you want and move with intention, it can lead to a better outcome than spending time with someone who does make you feel understood, supported, and/or appreciated.
Spend This Time Learning More Yourself
Knowing that love can come in due time should be empowering. Take your teenage years and twenties to become your best friend and biggest advocate. Kendra Okereke has used her time to experience the world and learn more about herself. Kendra has felt the peer pressure that many other inexperienced daters have. But she has shifted her narrative so that being single is liberating instead of limiting. During the past decade, Kendra has embarked on 16 solo trips and visited 20 different countries. She has even created a TikTok channel about her adventures. When describing her travels, Kendra expresses, “I did exactly what I was supposed to do in my twenties. I traveled, created things, started groups, held multiple jobs, and met many different people. I fully know myself now.”
Find a Community who Understands You
Community and camaraderie are essential if you feel insecure about being single. When emphasizing the role of external support, Naomi shared, “My church community [was important] because we have faith that God’s timing is perfect.” Existing institutions like a religious group can definitely provide encouragement and strength. Newer organizations can be essential as well. Kendra created a Facebook group called Late Bloomer Support. This group has connected thousands of people who feel that they may move at a slower pace than peers do in different facets of life. Joining a community can bolster your sense of self and help you find others who have gone through similar experiences.
Remember to move at your own pace, BAUCE women! You don’t have to have everything figured out in your twenties. Love comes in many forms, and you should not feel less than or be hard on yourself if you have not experienced romantic love yet.
