Ask Bee: ‘Does Dating Have to Include Sex?’

Dear Bee, 

My girlfriend and I were discussing dating and she feels that you cannot seriously date and if you are not having sex. What do you think? Does dating have to include sex?

Sincerely,

No Sex, No Love

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Dear No Sex, No Love,

While I know you should never answer a question with a question…I will pose this question: How does sex make dating any more significant or serious? I know some women will say that they feel a special connection to a guy once they have had sex with him or that they have needs that need to be met but how many times have those empty comments been made? Too often we don’t take the time to get to know our potential mates; I mean really get to know them – their character, true personality, etc.

dating

When we meet a guy the physical “surface” attraction initially catches our attention. If we do not take the time (months) to get to know him past the surface of what we can physically see, how serious can the relationship or dating experience be? The most important question that you should ask yourself is what do you want to gain from dating? If you are looking for a meaningful commitment then starting off with sex probably isn’t the best way to go about the dating experience.

Dating by definition is taking the time to get to know one another. I know we live in the age of instant results, instant gratification, and no patience. The physical component can exist within the relationship if you want it to, and if you feel as though you don’t want to push past the surface of getting to know him, the end result will be a surface physical relationship; which will not equate to a serious relationship. If you are looking to gain a deeper understanding of who this guy is and what he stands for, holding off on sex would be ideal. We all know women are emotional in nature and that guys are sexual, so as a woman you have to make sure that he is authentically meeting your emotional needs before you physically give yourself to him.

Guys will do exactly what you allow them to do. If you don’t require them to meet your realistic standards then they will treat you just like every other woman that they have had a physical relationship with. Just think, if having sex is what makes a relationship serious then why are there so many folks single yet smashing – “friends with benefits” but what’s the real benefit beside sex? Steve Harvey said it best, “Think like a man but act like a lady.” Talk to your older brothers, male cousins or uncles and ask them if sex makes a difference when dating. They will most likely tell you that it does not.

Hoping You Find Love,

Bee

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