Believe

Why You Need to Stop Looking For Men to Validate Your Self-Worth

So let’s take things back just a little… who remembers Coming To America? Okay, so do you guys remember when Prince Akeem was put in place by his parents to marry “Imani Iszi”? Although Prince Akeem seemed satisfied with her physical appearance, no one wants to marry a complete stranger.

Prince Akeem felt like something was missing (like the fact that he knew nothing about this woman). He decided to take her into a quiet space away from all judgement and distractions. He felt like he needed a one on one conversation with the real her.

Akeem started by saying, “Just once, I would like to cook for myself, and take care of myself, dress myself, wipe my own backside.” He then asked what about you? She replied, “Ever since I was born, I’ve been trained to serve you”. Imani went as far as barking like a dog and hopping on one foot.

This situation represents the mentality of most women, which is extremely unhealthy and can become toxic depending how far you’ll let it get before you lose yourself in validations from others.

This is an issue that’s publicly known but often swept under the rug.

Why do women feel like they need a man’s validation in order to feel confident, happy, and accepted? Is social media the blame? We ALWAYS see men attempting to validate women based on their social media accounts. Our hair, choice of clothing, skin complexion, intellect, residence and even sexual preference are all taken in account by the click. Instagram and Facebook “tells it all” according to men these days.

A man’s validation can also give a woman a feeling of  completeness. Sometimes being educated, beyond successful, and beautiful feels like it’s not enough. All of that doesn’t mean much for a woman yearning to feel accepted in a man’s world.

The goal is not to shame any woman for feeling how she does. The goal is to help change the way a woman thinks and feels about herself. Doing so will help her avoid seeking validations from others.

Earlier this month I was reading this book by David Richo called How To Be An Adult In Relationships: The Five Keys To Mindful Loving. It had so many great turns and points, but it focused around “five keys.” These five keys explained why most women look for fairy-tale love stories and seek perfection in everyone else besides themselves.

THE FIVE KEYS ARE ACCEPTANCE, AFFECTION, APPRECIATION, ALLOWING and ATTENTION.

MY MAJOR KEY: If you’ve missed out on one of these five A’s in your childhood or adolescence, this is most likely why you seek VALIDATIONS from men. BUT, it is NEVER too late to change that.

Growing up missing support in those areas could make things a bit difficult,  but it’s possible to break that chain. The easiest way to do that is to LOVE ON YOURSELVES LADIES! There’s no secrets or tricks into doing so. And once you start you’ll never stop. Even if that means reading self-help books, watching inspirational YouTubers, or going to counseling — go for it. There is still room to help yourselves!

I am not ashamed to say that I too once looked for validations in men. I wanted it in order to feel complete at different points in my life…. Honestly, most of us are guilty of this. External validations cause women to get accustomed to hearing what others “dislike” and “like” about us. It gets to a point where we can’t even buy a dress without their judgement. It can shift your way of thinking and can change you as a person as well. We are all different for a reason ladies. We can’t please everyone. Always remember….

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