Think

Don’t Settle For Less

By Lucia V. Smith

Niqqas are getting far too complacent these days and it’s our fault.

Okay, I won’t say it’s all our fault but we as women sure don’t make it any better. Some men are lazy. If they can have their cake and eat it too without having to get up, go to the kitchen, and slice it, then they’re happy. That’s how they feel about you.  If they can get you in their bed, get it in, and still call you whenever they want, at their convenience, then they’re happy. They know that you’ll overextend yourself to be with them because, shiz, you like the attention before a long, cold winter and that’s what we do naturally as women – nurture.

Well, here’s a science phenomenon that’s greater then nurture versus nature. Ready for it? If you continue to settle, you will continue to legitimize the rachetness that a guy can emanate. Which means chivalry will fall into a blackhole and really be dead. Okay, I’ll say might be, just to account for the few good slew of men that are out there…somewhere.

Exhibit A. He calls you every two weeks, but you kick it on the phone. He takes you out to eat every two months. When he finally gets you over his house and in his bed, the first thing he starts doing is kissing you on your neck, calling you “baby”, and trying to squeeze his hands down your pants.

And…you let it happen.

What’s the problem with this picture? It’s that damn XY chromosome! Moreover, it’s that silly XX chromosome that lets him rock with it. Here’s the thing. We cannot sit and allow our men to be fooled into this false sense of what it means to be a gentleman. A gentleman is not treating her to diner food for breakfast after she sucked your ish for dinner. A gentleman is not texting “Hello. How are you?” to me (Becky, Jalaysia, and Susie) instead of picking up the phone and calling me directly.   A gentleman is not holding the door open once a week, when he should be holding it open every damn time he sees a woman. A gentlemen is not a man who can’t “express how he feels” instead of being straightforward and honest with a woman. A gentleman is not him. Because he ain’t got potential.

Women like to be flattered and so do men. We’re human and we can’t help it. But when a woman has been consistently mistreated, played, or just dealt the wrong deck of cards over and over again, we begin to settle more and more, hoping that the potential in one guy will offer us something hopeful that we didn’t find in the last batch of ten. We begin to think that there are very few people out there that want to have our best interest at heart.  We fall into a self-destructive trap, where we are willing to compromise our morals and beliefs just to hold onto the tiny bits of good in a man or the “potential” we conceptualize in our minds when we dream at night. We want to hold onto that warm touch from the man who wants nothing to do with us because we fear that no man will ever want anything to do with us. “It’s hard to find a good black man!” our mothers and aunts and sisters have yelled at us for years and years.

It surely is. But that’s because no one will check these Negroes.

And because we cannot bid this inner fear farewell, we allow men to treat us how we want. We get excited when he spits the generic text because it makes us think that he cares….when he really doesn’t have the dime to wine and dine on anything but your behind. Our community has become filled with lies when it comes to black love. We have inadvertently allowed men to appropriate these lackadaisical approaches to “getting it in” and allowed them to cheat us of the oh-so-important value of chivalry that exists in courting. We get so worked up over the little things that men don’t even have to try anymore. If a phone call and an invite to watch a Netflix movie can make us jump, hop, and skip over to his place in a heartbeat, then we as women need to re-evaluate our standards.

Or maybe it’s not you. But the ones that came before you. If you’re dealing with a man that’s privy to “situations” or has been severely hurt by a female in the past, be extremely cautious of the game he spits. The broken-hearted fella’ won’t have to try hard to get a woman to pity him. And the guy who has his friends with benefits has already had his actions legitimized by the last chick. So you’ll have to fight to reverse his ideology…if he cares for you that much.

Ladies, we cannot settle.  It shouldn’t be our responsibility to build good men in our community, but sometimes it takes a little attitude and regulating to get men to realize what beauty and good they have before them. If we consistently run to them at their every need (when we have no title or no ring) then they have won. They remain complacent and comfortable with the way things are and will have little motivation to move forward or work towards something that involves c-o-m-m-i-t-m-e-n-t. That’s a scary word for boys. That’s why I had to spell it out. Don’t settle for the carnations on Valentine’s Day. He should be treating you like a rose every day.

It’s time for us to take control when it comes to establishing healthy relationships in our community. Those tricks he’s playing may have worked when his facial hair was growing in, but it’s time the “he” in your life realizes that you are a real woman. This isn’t high school football. This is the big league. The next time that niqqa thinks that a text or tweet will make you come running, make yourself unavailable. Because you’re worth more than a McDonald’s Happy Meal. Tell that niqqa to step his game up. For real.

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